Lately, it has become more and more apparent that God has been creating circumstances, relationships, and joy to place in my life - His perfect puzzle pieces for my life - after this past summer of intense struggle and a whole lot of trials, especially when it comes to the loss of one friendship in particular.
In the middle of July, I made the decision to cut ties with a friend who I had been exceptionally close with during my sophomore and junior years at Indiana Wesleyan, and who was one of the people who watched the blood moon that particular night. He was charismatic, fun to be around, and someone I genuinely enjoyed spending time with. After tracking me down on Facebook and telling me he'd like to get to know me (but only as friends, which I preferred and was honestly fine with), he worked hard to convince me that I could trust him, even though I was incredibly apprehensive. I was told by other mutual friends that he was trustworthy because they trusted him also. I had my doubts, but eventually I considered him a trustworthy human, and we would have deep conversations about God and life over cups of coffee or Gatorade or a meal on a regular basis.
But that was before I became aware of all of the emotional abuse that shocked me like electricity hitting water when it finally became apparent.
My friends noticed before I did, and some of them took to warning me early on during my junior year...
"Syd, he isn't treating you right."
"Don't you notice?"
"You deserve so much better."
"Do you just not care?"
...The truth is, I did care. I saw what was happening as someone I trusted began to treat me like less than a person with the things he would say to me when we would have conversations...
"I know how this conversation is going to go. You're going to tell me I'm wrong when I did nothing, I'll take it and won't fight you, and then you'll walk away feeling good about yourself." (That comment usually came when I'd try to confront him about how he treated me.)
"Pop quiz: What's my favorite food?" "I don't know. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen you eat, Sydney." (We had lunch and dinner together often and he would always comment on how little or how much I ate, making me self conscious.)
"Do you even know how to treat people?" (Yeah, I think so.)
"If you're going to be a friend to me, then be a friend to me." (What am I doing wrong?)
And as I found out later that he talked about me behind my back as though I was his project instead of his friend and like I was nothing more than depression walking around on two legs, I saw it then too.
I saw what would happen as he would never allow any conversation other than about what I was struggling with, because he wanted to "fix" me and there was something wrong with me. I began to label myself as depression and anxiety.
I saw what was happening to my relationship with God as he told me that God was going to pick people to be on a prayer team to pray for the school and the campus, and when I wasn't picked, I figured that God didn't care if He heard from me. I struggled to pray because of the idea that had taken over my mind.
...The day I decided I was going to eventually give up was the day he confronted me in front of 5 or 6 of our mutual friends, telling me how horrible I was and how I don't love other people right. My friend Taylor followed me into my dorm and sat with me while I cried and wondered what I could have possibly done wrong to deserve such treatment, and I'll never forget what she said:
"Why do you focus so much on one friendship? Syd, he's one person. There are so many people who love you and want the best for you."
It was another four months - and several more hurtful conversations - until yet another friend finally helped me find the courage to get out of the "friendship" that was so detrimental to my self-esteem and self image, and since that day, I have watched God transform my heart into something that I never thought would actually be inside of me...
I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but it is something I have, not something that I am.
I still struggle to pray sometimes, but my Abba wants to hear from me, because He chose me before the foundation of the world.
I have a joy inside of my heart that I've never known before, simply because I'm not trying to stay inside of anyone's graces and impress them or keep them happy with me.
My friends accept me for who I am, craziness, struggles, joy, pain and all, and they make my life brighter and my laugh louder.
I am secure in who I am, not trying to find a source for my contentment in approval from a guy, but instead finding my contentment in a source that is my God alone.
I still have the possibility of running into this guy on campus, but I am not afraid to smile and be cordial, because I know I want Christ to not just shine through me, but to use me still in the lives of those who have deeply hurt me. I don't want to be their mirror image. I want to be different. I want to be the hands and feet of my Abba who crafted my hands and feet so that they could also be sacrificial and used for the good of His kingdom.
I don't share this story to get sympathy, accolades, or anything whatsoever. Instead, I share this story to speak of the love and joy of my Jesus. He is the only One who deserves the hearts of His beloved, friends. He is the One who has stood by me through every moment of piercing anger when I would refuse to believe that forgiveness was even possible, and now every moment of joy that I never thought could be real for someone like me. He deserves all of the praise, and this road that I went down this summer was a difficult one that I hid from both others and myself, but I'm hoping that through the telling of my story of dealing with emotional abuse, someone else might be brave enough to share theirs and end the stigma.
They say that abuse is never the victim's fault, but I don't consider myself a victim anymore because in my Abba, I am victorious. Healing is still taking place, but I'm getting better and bolder every day. The One I serve is a healer, and like the Bible says, "...weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning."(Psalm 30:5, ESV)
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| My puzzle piece, Ashley, and I (and Hannah, the professional creeper ;)) |
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| God has truly given me overflowing joy in the midst of healing from trials! |
